How To Poop At Work
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How To Poop At Work
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out
Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the
stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on
the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of
life.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out
Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the
stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on
the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of
life.
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Registered User
Joined: Oct 2005
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From: columbia MD
The only one you left out is the Turd Groupy.
This person walks into the bathrom and takes the stall right next to you when every other stall is empty. It is like he just couldn't take a c**p if he wasn't next to someone.
This person walks into the bathrom and takes the stall right next to you when every other stall is empty. It is like he just couldn't take a c**p if he wasn't next to someone.
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Joined: May 2006
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OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out
Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
--- we have one of these. he'll take books out of the back cabinet with him tucked under his arm. WTF, I refuse to read any of our books now!!!
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out
Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
--- we have one of these. he'll take books out of the back cabinet with him tucked under his arm. WTF, I refuse to read any of our books now!!!
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 651
Likes: 0
From: Maryland
The Poop Glossary
AIR RAID POO When you sit down to poo and only farts come out
AN ARTIFACT This is a mostly solid poo that appears to be normal at first glance. Once flushed however, fecal remnants remain attached to the bottom of the bowl for the next pooper or poopers to discover.
CABBAGE POO Poo that comes out green.
CAJUN POO Poo that burns on the way out.
CANTALOUPE POO A turd that is as wide as it is long and makes a huge splash once it hits the toilet.
FLAME THROWER Similer to the salad shooter but causes the anus to burn due to the high levels of capsicum (makes hot peppers hot).
GHOST POO A poo that disappears once it hits the toilet. Kind of haunts you wondering where it went.
GUARD DOG A poo that hangs out in the anus and protects the butt from any unwanted perpetrators.
OBESE POO Poo that's so big it hurts coming out, brother of the Cantaloupe Poo.
PEEKABOO POO A poo that slides into the drain hole and only pokes its head out for a second when you flush than retreats down the drain again.
PERISCOPE POO Poo so huge that the poo is actually sticking out of the water.
POO MAN CHU A Poo Man Chu is when someone with really long butt hairs braids their hair like a goatee coming from their butt hole. It can also be emulated by hanging a long turd from your chin, but we do not recommend this.
RECURRING POO Every time you get done pooping and get up another one comes out.
SALAD SHOOTER A form of diarrhea that sprays out of your butt at a rapid pace.
SNAKE CHARMER A poo so big that you have to re-adjust your sitting position on the toilet and as the poo wiggles out. Whistling is optional and may help relaxing the poo out.
SPAGHETTI POO Poo that is so smooth and thin that it actually curls in the bowl.
SPLASH GUARD This term refers to the use of 3 to 6 squares of toilet paper placed atop the water as a buffer between the cold unforgiving water, and the pooper's anus.
UNDERACHIEVER POO A poo that is so small it wasn't worth pooping.
UPPER DECK An upper deck is where you take the top off of the back of the toilet and poop in the reserved water so that the poop is trapped. Everytime the toilet is flushed afterwards the toilet will be filled up with fresh poo water.
AN ARTIFACT This is a mostly solid poo that appears to be normal at first glance. Once flushed however, fecal remnants remain attached to the bottom of the bowl for the next pooper or poopers to discover.
CABBAGE POO Poo that comes out green.
CAJUN POO Poo that burns on the way out.
CANTALOUPE POO A turd that is as wide as it is long and makes a huge splash once it hits the toilet.
FLAME THROWER Similer to the salad shooter but causes the anus to burn due to the high levels of capsicum (makes hot peppers hot).
GHOST POO A poo that disappears once it hits the toilet. Kind of haunts you wondering where it went.
GUARD DOG A poo that hangs out in the anus and protects the butt from any unwanted perpetrators.
OBESE POO Poo that's so big it hurts coming out, brother of the Cantaloupe Poo.
PEEKABOO POO A poo that slides into the drain hole and only pokes its head out for a second when you flush than retreats down the drain again.
PERISCOPE POO Poo so huge that the poo is actually sticking out of the water.
POO MAN CHU A Poo Man Chu is when someone with really long butt hairs braids their hair like a goatee coming from their butt hole. It can also be emulated by hanging a long turd from your chin, but we do not recommend this.
RECURRING POO Every time you get done pooping and get up another one comes out.
SALAD SHOOTER A form of diarrhea that sprays out of your butt at a rapid pace.
SNAKE CHARMER A poo so big that you have to re-adjust your sitting position on the toilet and as the poo wiggles out. Whistling is optional and may help relaxing the poo out.
SPAGHETTI POO Poo that is so smooth and thin that it actually curls in the bowl.
SPLASH GUARD This term refers to the use of 3 to 6 squares of toilet paper placed atop the water as a buffer between the cold unforgiving water, and the pooper's anus.
UNDERACHIEVER POO A poo that is so small it wasn't worth pooping.
UPPER DECK An upper deck is where you take the top off of the back of the toilet and poop in the reserved water so that the poop is trapped. Everytime the toilet is flushed afterwards the toilet will be filled up with fresh poo water.
LMAO....I gotta try the Upper Deck @ work...
We used to have ths guy @ my old job. He was called the Phantom Shytter . He would go into the stalls and just shyt everywhere (stalls, floor, walls..etc) and then leave. These events went on for a long time and finally stopped when John left the company...hmmm
...j/k.
We used to have ths guy @ my old job. He was called the Phantom Shytter
. He would go into the stalls and just shyt everywhere (stalls, floor, walls..etc) and then leave. These events went on for a long time and finally stopped when John left the company...hmmm ...j/k.
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