I saw this over on www.dfwss.org and thought y'all might enjoy it.

I know most men would think this way....

To give you some background information, Greg. the author of this email, is a 58 year old about 6'3" and about 220lbs. and contrary to this story, he is quite an intelligent person..

Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something like "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.

Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something in the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(note: keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)

I bought my wife something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 12th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was 100,000-volt,pocket sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product. It is a less than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety.

The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.

If you never seen one of these in action, then you're truly missing out-way cool!!

Long story Short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two aaa batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much chagrin that particular mode would not create an arch between the prongs.

How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and passed it against a metal surface that It’s get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so, Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity , and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two aaa batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul),reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries0thinking to myself,” no friggin' way!" Friggin' way-trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (sound, rational thinking under the circumstance, wouldn't you agree?)
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ********!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, ********* nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, please do it again"

(Note: If you ever feel compiled to mug yourself with a taser. one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both ******* were twitching. My face felt like it had shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 80 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my *********? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large.

Miss 'em....... sure would like to get 'em back...



Greg

 

LMFAO!!! You know how hard it is to read that at work?

 

I surely do. THat is why I figured I'd pass it on - for all you others that work(?) so hard.

 

Lmao!!!

 

Geez, that is classic. I have a similar taser story but of course it can't compare to the one above.

A friend of mine in high school decided it would be a good idea to take apart a disposable camera with the little charge up flasher thingy. Once it was apart he was most facinated with the flashing mechanism. So he decided to add 2 prongs to the top of it, attatch a 12 volt battery to the whole system, wrap it in duct tape and VIOLA! hommade taser. You charge the camera flash which was now super powerful becasue it was pulling from a 12 volt battery and touch the alumium prongs to unfortunate subject and let the sparks fly.

He made one with one flasher and a 12 volt battery, and in the search for more power decided that if 1 flasher and 1 12 volt battery created so many sparks when touched to a metal object to complete the ciruit......why not use 2 flaskers and 2 9 volt batteries. He created this device of doom and tested it a few time on metal objects which produced a large amout of sparks and a loud popping noise when the circuit was completed.

As usual he was unsatisfied with this even more powerful creation, but before he increased the power further he wanted to get a baseline for just what kind of an effect this would have on something other than a piece of metal. So one thing led to another and he placed the charged 9 volt version of this monster to his arm and completed the circuit..........he woke up according to the clock in his room, 45 minutes later with a huge knot and a cut on his forehaed. He had shocked himself and instantly passed out and his head slammed into his desk. His arm hurt like hell and there were 2 very distinct burn marks on his forearm from the prongs and he promptly destoryed the devices he had come to love so much.

 

I hit one of those Furby things with a taser back in college, you shouldve seen that thing go! Arms waving, eyes rolling and blinking, it just went nuts. I highly recommend to anyone bored out of their mind.

 

<<thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two aaa batteries>>

Now you know.

For a minute there, I thought the dog was going to get it.

 

This is what posts should be like. Clever anecdotes of fun during the horrible work day.

 

A furby...you slept with a furby in college??? Did you have footsie pajamas too stew???

 

No, I tasered one in college - the girl is the one who slept with it. And I still have the footsie pjs ya punk.

 

That's hot.