The meaning of life . .
When God created the dog, He said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

Next, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

God then created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

Finally, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand-children. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

Those were great!! My turn...

It was entertainment night at the senior cente r and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations. "He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd of seniors became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "S**T!" said the Hypnotist...




It took three days to clean up the senior center.

 

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and
looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a few
puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a
drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds
the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says....

"Shhhheeeeeiiiiitttt........Duuuuuuude...... how much water did you
drink?!!"

 

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."


"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."


Uh huh..yeah, go back and read it again.

 

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The
pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it, filled
with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had
flipped or something...!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing
to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last
fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to
put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you
know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

 

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories,
breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk.

 

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.
The headline read, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

"Wow!" she shouted. Then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and
asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

 

Football finally makes sense!!!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her
how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!

 

The Cathouse Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, New madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hello, Keith."

 

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw
a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,
the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and
BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has thenerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!\
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing the
gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the
air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it
float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man sai! d, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumb**ch who pushed me in the pool."

 

Very Funny! Here's one.

Train Ride

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 am the man leaned over and gently woke the woman, asking, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted...

 

LOL That was good.

This seems to be a thread just for us Robert. Let's just get together and drink a twelve pack while we tell some more jokes. LOL

Okay, here's a funny quote from Tim Allen about Martha Stewart:

Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:


"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and haul her *** to jail."

 

Halloween Joke

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s**t out of a ghost."

 

Finally! The secret to dieting!!

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and
health. It provides relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.

 

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. Picking up the mallet, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You ***hole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"