I can't stop crying from laughing so much!!

 

if a girl with big works at , where does a girl with one leg work? IHOP.

 

Just read this recently...

In a grocery store late at night, a guy noticed the lady in front of him placing a carton of milk, a loaf of bread, and a dozen of eggs on the check-out counter. The guy said to her, "Excuse me, I can just tell that you are definitely single." The lady smiled, "Whoa, that's good! How? Because of the stuff I've bought?"

"Nope, because you're ugly!" He responded.

I'm still laughing...

 

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a discussion about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ***.

 

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'a m, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

O lder Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

Those were great guys I needed that today. Keep them coming.

 

how do you get a nun pregnant?



dress her up as an altar boy.

 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

The Hair Dryer


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's

birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll

confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?

Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:

I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."



When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"



"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to

declare from your waist to the floor?"



"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

 

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about
an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know
about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks

the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and
still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."

 

Train Ticket.
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of
the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a
toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed,
the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges
with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the
game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip
and save some money.
When they get to the station
they buy a single ticket for the return trip
but see, to their astonishment,
that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves
into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the
way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet
and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says,
"Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think we are smarter
than women.

-----------------
The famed Hypnotist
It was entertainment day at the Senior Center and the amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat pocket. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting. "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. "
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****", said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

 

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make
you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
construction crew arrived to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them
"gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and
there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they

even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she
take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to
start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age The little girl proudly replied, "I
worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next
door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working
on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those a**holes at Home Depot
ever deliver the fu ** in' sheet rock...

 

>>Subject: 50 Years Old
>>
>> A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
>> $15,000, and feels pretty good about the results.
>>
>> On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
>>leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
>>
>>
>>
>> About 32,' is the reply.'
>>
>> Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
>>
>> A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
>>counter girl the very same question.
>>
>>
>>
>> The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
>>
>> The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
>>
>> Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug
>>store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
>>
>> The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
>>
>>
>> Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
>>
>> While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting
>>next to her the same question.
>>
>> He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,
>>when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
>>
>>
>>
>> It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
>>hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old
>>you are.'
>>
>> They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets
>>the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
>>
>> He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
>>around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.
>>After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'
>>
>> He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,
>>and says, Madam, you are 50.'
>>
>> Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how
>>could you tell?
>>
>>
>>
>> The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
>>
>> I promise I won't' she says.
>>
>> I was behind you at McDonalds.'

 

Words Women Use
>
>
>
>1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
>right and you need to shut up.
>
>2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
>Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
>minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
>
>3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
>you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
>
>4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. DON'T DO IT!
>
>5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
>misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
>wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
>about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
>
>6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
>
>7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
>
>8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
>
>9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
>this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
>now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's
>wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
>
>Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
>

 

I needed a few laughs after a hard day's work. Okay here's one:

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that po sitively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look! 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."